It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time…

i have a small tattoo on the muscle  that connects my neck to my left shoulder.  it says “eighty thirty”.  this is a long inside joke between BFF s-ram and i.  i will explain it with a real life situation – this has been an eighty thirty day. 

i stayed at ben’s, got up late, drove home, and was late getting out the door to run.  okay, whatevs, i’m still running so no big, right?  but even though i took the wimpy distance, i STILL had to walk up the hill on chestnut.  didn’t make sense.  then, i got home and rushed around to feed the pup, let her out, feed me, shower, make lunch, etc. and in my rush i opened the freezer (to get ice – important detail), and everything fell out.   frozen veggie burgers, ice cream, meatless meatballs, i mean EVERYTHING.  didn’t make sense.  then, i got in the shower and the water pressure was that of kramer’s shower from that one episode of seinfeld where it basically blows him out of the tub… yeah, it was hurricane-esque.  didn’t make sense.  i get ready, drop mine and ben’s dry cleaning off (ooh, i feel adult!), and the total comes to like 32 dollars, even though it’s 1.59 per garment and we only had nine garments.  didn’t make sense, but it was explained, but it still don’t really make sense because they’re charging extra to light starch one pair of khakis (incidentally, i have an opinion on females and khakis, but i’ll save that for another day). 

so then i go to work, and i’m pretty sure my black dress shoes are in the wagon, and they’re not… where are they?  doesn’t make sense!   then my co-worker is all super bummertown, which she is never, and so that REALLY doesn’t make sense.  and ben has a new doctor that he’s going to, who has a moustache, but that’s not really part of this, i was just thinking about how his appointment went.  anyway.  so i ate my lunch at like, 10:30 a.m. (i think i need bigger breakfasts) and am hungry, and yeah.  my face is really oily but all i’ve done today is be a desk monkey.  doesn’t make sense.  i skipped my lunch break, and i’m leaving at 4 to get home so that i can meet hannah at 5, but i like 10 minutes away… so i’m leaving early why?  doesn’t make sense. 

do ya get it?  eighty thirty just doesn’t make sense.  i don’t make sense.  but somehow, sarah and i having matching nonsensical tattoos makes sense, and that is why she is my BFF.

well.  nowadays, before i get my little biz-cas’ed heinie to the BHC, i work out.  i really do.  on mondays i run in the morning, tuesdays i take a rest day but usually walk the doggie in the morning, wednesdays i swim at the YWCA, thursdays i go to yoga at 6 a.m., and fridays i run.  saturdays and sundays, one day is a rest day and one day i run.  or do yoga.  but mostly run.

when did this shift take place, you ask?  one day, about a month ago, i tried to run a measly two miles in the hot hot heat of charlotte, nc after work and i damn near killed myself doing so.  that’s when it became clear that i was either going to join a gym and attempt to go after work, or work out before i went to real work.  before work won out because i have no moneys to be affording a gym bill, and running on the streets is still free, until the gov’t. finds some way to tax that too.  bitches!  ;)

work work work.  that’s pretty much all i do, it seems.  even my leisure time is spent talking about working on myself, and my personality defects.  i mean, sometimes it’s not, but for the most part it’s sober kids and we all talk about faith, spirituality, character defects… sometimes boys or girls, depending on who’s there.  but really.  it’s all work.

that’s okay, in some regard, because i’ve been afraid of working hard my whole life and now that i actually am working hard it seems to have its own rewards, like sleeping well at night and not gaining weight.   also, it’s good to learn discipline because someday i’m going to want children and i’ll need to teach them that, and if i don’t have it i sure can’t give it away…

on a separate note regarding discipline, i’ve been using the words “no ma’am” to try to dog whisper the haze beast, and it seems to be working a little, but there are still situations where “no ma’am!” is no dice.  like the thumb slice situation from the other day, where she saw the cat… or today, when the two german shepards that guard the auto dealer on the corner of central and club st. started barking at haze and she went ballisticus.  i had her on her leash and harness, and it is good that i work out because otherwise i wouldn’t be strong enough for my dog.  so, i “no ma’am!” and tug the leash and eventually haul her along the sidewalk, all the while she’s barking and lunging toward the yard dogs, and it’s like… this is my life.  my foaming at the mouth pitbull, who was so sweet and asleep half an hour ago, is now the bane of my existence.  but, we recovered and i got her home, and yeah.  the rest is history.

**note:  ben pulled his back out, and i feel bad about not going over there to baby him, but not bad enough to skip the one NA meeting i go to a week with phat daddy.  maybe i should feel bad?  i’ll ask sharon what she thinks.**

Who are you?
“put on a gown that touches the ground,

float down a river forever and ever,

emily, emily”

-pink floyd

Are you male or female?
“a beautiful girl

a beautiful girl

can turn your world into dust”

-radiohead

What place do you love best?
“and if you don’t return by the summer i will know

you’ve found a home in colorado

and you’re doing fine in colorado”

-jackson browne

What do you look like?
“pretty eyed

pirate smile”

-elton john

What do you want to say to your best friend?
“and now there’s you understanding why i do the things i do

knowing that you do them too makes me really happy”

-moldy peaches

What’s your best quality?
“you say that i make no difference,

but at least i’m fucking trying!

what the fuck have YOU done?”

-minor threat

What’s your worst quality?
“she’s the kind of girl who puts you down

when friends are there, you feel a fool

when you say she’s looking good she acts as if it’s understood

she’s cool, cool, cool”

-the beatles

Where do you see yourself in one year?
“i see the future and it’s all mine

i want to be perfect, i’m taking my time”

-talking heads

What’s your secret?
“she wants to know

why she’s given half her life

to people she hates now”

-velvet underground

Something you like about yourself
“i’m not sayin i’m number one

oh, i’m sorry, i lied

i’m number one-two-three-four-and-five!”

-krs-one

What does love mean to you?
“love comes to me

love comes and all

it’s my hands, my heart, my lips

that is all”

-bonnie prince billy

What would you say to the one who got away?
“i’m so hard to handle i’m selfish and i’m sad

now i’ve gone and lost the best baby that i ever had

oh i wish i had a river i could skate away on”

-joni mitchell

What makes you angry?
“you’re always talking talking talking talking talking shit now

but you will talk yourself down”

-fugazi

What makes you happy?
“i love my dog as much as i love you

but you will fail and my dog will always come through

all she asks of me is the food to give her strength

all he ever asks of me is love and that she knows she’ll get”

-cat stevens

What makes you sad?
“divide and conquer, well that’s an old game

divide and conquer, used again and again”

-really red

How do you feel when you think about your biggest mistake?
“but wherever i have gone

i was sure to find myself there

you can run all your life and not go anywhere”

-social distortion

Some words to live by
“so toss it up, or pass it round

pay mind to what you’re carrying around

oh keep it close, hold it while you can

there’s a little bird of heaven right here in your hand”

-reeltime travelers

this was fun, and it took up a lot of time that i would’ve been wasting improving my already stellar crossword puzzle skills.  or my already stellar tetris skills.  :)  yay, only 18 minutes left of this heinously boring friday!

oh, and happy anniversary nic!  one year, ow-ow!

“Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.”

i went to yoga at six o’clock this morning.  yup.  i’ve been exercising in the mornings before work because it’s just too much to try to work out after work with all the other stuff i have going on… sponsees, meetings, etc. etc.  i like morning workouts too, they make me feel accomplished.  plus, ben says they burn more fat because you have nothing in your tummy so you’re working off stored fat.  if he is right, that is genius!

yoga was good, as usual.  we did a lot of high plank, low plank, three point, down dogs which was okay, except i swam yesterday and my arms hurt really really bad.  i have a cut on my thumb still, and that didn’t feel too awesome either, but before the wahhh-mbulance gets here, let me just get this off my chest… this is haze’s next halloween costume.  she is going as a silly rabbit.  yay! :)

mom sent me some new yorkers.  she said there are some good fiction stories in them.  she’s responsible for my knowledge of the poem at the beginning of this entry.  i love my mom so much… just in case you didn’t know.

it makes sense that crazy people call me at work, i work at a mental health facility.  i probably shouldn’t be using the word “crazy” to describe our clients, i would probably get in a boatload of trouble were my big bosses to know that i called our consumers crazy.  of course, bill d. did see the 13 on my neck and didn’t really say anything about it, so maybe not… maybe we are more punk rock than i think we are.  we’re not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, though… no straightjackets or Nurse Ratchetts or rubber rooms.  none of that.  no Girl, Interrupted.  nopeso.  sorry to disappoint.

anyway, i talked to my best friend sam from colorado last night.  golly, i miss him a LOT.  he is one of those friends that no matter how long we go without speaking, we’re still cool.  just pick up where we left off, y’know?  he was taking his boxer, kaya, to the dog park when i talked to him… he is a dog lover.  when we were still teenagers, we used to walk around old town in ft. collins and pet people’s dogs.  just random folks out strollin with their pooches, sam and i would ask to pet them.  most of the time people were pretty happy about us wanting to pet their dogs, but we got an occasional rejection.  it’s alright though, the ratio of dogs petted vs. dogs unpetted is like 5:1.  so… that’s pretty good.

haze dog accidentally sliced my thumb yesterday.  i guess, since i am the human in this equation, i should take responsibility but i still kinda blame her.  we’ve been working with the phrase “no ma’am”, so when she pulls i stop her and make her sit and say “no ma’am!” in this very serious voice, and so far it’s going okay… but, she saw a cat and just went bananas and her leash was around my wrist, and all the “no ma’am”s in the world wouldn’t have mattered.  so she jerked the leash, and my thumb got sliced on the car door.  i was going to spend an hour or so beating her last night, but i was just so tired.  i had an epic headache which stuck with me and attacked at 2:30 a.m. and i still have it now.  serious boo-ness.  i don’t think it’s a tumor, but it might be.  i didn’t go to yoga today, so i’ll go on thursday.  i’m swimming tomorrow, which is lovely.  :)

to recap :

1. i work at a job where i talk to mentally ill folks.  i really shouldn’t call them bats.

2. i miss sam, but i am so glad we got to chat last night, even for just a minute.

3. my dog is poorly trained, which comes back to hurt me via sliced thumbs.

4. i have a headache and am sleep deprived. 

5. i am swimming tomorrow and going to yoga on thursday.

that’s all.  no more.  quit trying to intimidate me for more information, jeez!  oh and sorry there were no pictures, sorry sorry.  i’m sorry.  :)

The metaphor works like this - I have all these different things going on in my life, different stuff I’m doing or stuff I’ve done or (mostly) stuff I want to do, different people and situations, different events going on in the lives of those I care about, yadda yadda yadda, and the only way they ALL connect is me – I am the jello, they are the chunks of whatever that’s embedded in the jello.  That actually sounds pretty gross and really self centered, but in my head it made a lot of sense and didn’t sound nearly as conceited as it does when I re-read it.  That’s how it tends to work most of the time, really – if it sounds good in my head, I should probably ask someone impartial and find out if it sounds good out loud.  Oh well, too late now.

**sidenote – my friends and family and other “chunks” are way important, more important than me by far.  Just a quick disclaimer so that the 3 people who read this know I’m not a total douche.**

Instead of trying to wade through my jello-y self to get to each individual chunk (ewww), I just wanted to talk about my sister.  I hope she doesn’t get offended that I want to write about her under an entry titled “Sometimes I feel like my life is a jello salad.”, I don’t think she will.  She might correct my punctuation on that last sentence, I think it’s wrong.  I don’t care enough to go back and fix it, but I care enough to make a point to mention it.  Funny how that works. 

Anyway, my sister Dondi is three years older than me.  She has a birthday coming up at the end of this month.  She is a Leo.  She is the same height as I am, but that’s sort of a new development in the last 5 years or so… when we were little, I always felt like the short, chubby, ugly one and I always thought my sister was so pretty and slender and tall.  She wore all the cute clothes, and my clothes never seemed to fit quite right.  She dated boys like Zach who were blonde and handsome and played sports, and I dated boys that shall remain nameless, but were decidedly not blonde, handsome, and athletic. 

We used to fight like wild animals when we were both adolescents.  I don’t know if sisters are more vicious to each other than brothers, but we were brutal.  I remember a spike in physical violence among us when we both started to use the phone a lot… this is before cell phones, and our mom never got us separate lines, so the cordless house phone was like God after school.  Man.  There was one time when I wanted to talk on the phone and she was on it, and I stole the cord that linked the base of the phone to the jack in the wall, then ran up to my room and locked the door.  It took her all of 45 seconds to figure out what I’d done, and then she ran up to my room, kicked my door in (it was hollow core – the girl’s not Hercules), and I threw the cord at her in hopes that she wouldn’t throttle me.  She didn’t, as is evident by the fact that I am here writing and we’re friends today. 

It took a while for us to get close, though.  It took a lot of heartbreak for old wounds between us to heal… we still aren’t Hallmark commercial close, but we are certainly friends today, as well as sisters.  When she calls me, I call her back or I answer, if I can.  When I call her, the same thing happens.  We text.  We email.  I send her stupid surveys and she dutifully fills them out.  She takes care of our mom now, and that is so huge.  That used to be such a sore spot for the two of us, and I’m so incredibly grateful we’ve gotten past the whole “Mom loves you best” fight.  I think that Dad dying had a lot to do with that, as well as me being in Charlotte (2200 miles away from the madre) and her being in Boulder (50 miles away from the madre).  She listens to me whenever I call her freaking out about a boy, or something physically wrong with me, or missing Andy or my dad.  She comforts me and lifts me up, and she never makes me feel bad for the decisions I’ve made.  She gives me running advice and tells me how to better lengthen my stride.  I know that if I ever needed anything, she’d be there in half a second, and that if I ask nicely, she’ll probably let me borrow her sparkly eyeliner.

I think I might have more tattoos than her now… maybe.  ;)