It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time…

let’s just get through the crud first, before beach photos, shall we?  every so often, i get snagged up by these pangs of grief.  little tripwires of missing my dad, never talking to andy again, mourning, sobbing in savasana… i’m bounding through life, completely unaware, when BAM – i’m on the ground, tangled up in a memory that just has me floored. 

it’s okay, of course.  i know how to get untangled  and today i know how to take care of myself.  i don’t have that necessity to make it so much worse before it can get better.  i also don’t deny it anymore.  no glamour, no lies – it’s there, plain and simple, and the quicker i look at it and go over it, the better off i am.   my grief is just like anything else – keep it a secret, it keeps me sick.  i miss my dad and andy, i miss my mama, i wish that i could’ve done something different last year to somehow stave off this heartbreak, i miss catherine and being able to go to her every day… i have so much longing, but you know what?  catherine’s the one who said to me “emily, andy is dead but you aren’t.  you’re alive.  so live!” 

i have to remember that, lest i forget and keep myself in some sick, sad vortex.  thank god for sponsees, because at least 3 days a week i am committed to someone other than myself.  i have meetings and runs and yoga and friends.  i have a pitbull named haze, sunshine, swimming pools, beach trips, two library books, movies and music and ben jones.  my life is full.  a less formal version of a gratitude list, more of a reminder than anything… still beautiful.

pictures?  yes.

let’s see how this is, i’ve never used the gallery function before.  anyway, ben, amy, amy’s BFF reneé and i all went to isle of palms to stay in ben’s mom’s amazing condo and eat cherries and swim in the ocean and get suntans.  it was really fun, and i learned a lot about myself and when i turn into a brat and how to not do that.  i learned about acceptance and how lame it is to front seat drive.  i saw hangover which wasn’t that funny but had the song “13″ in it!  i went running and kept up for three miles, until amy turned into superwoman and did sprints while i just tried not to have my lungs explode (i’ll have to write an entry about the toxic black mold situation we’ve got at the house).   it was a lot of fun, and a lot of picking on each other and silliness, with some AA and an impromptu visit to a beach dog park, which haze would LOVE.  rawr! 

one day, i really am going to share in strictly grateful dead lyrics… keep on truckin!