It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time…

i used to say “must be nice” to my old roommate marisa whenever i was jealous about something that she got to do that i didn’t, and it’s maybe the brattiest thing i had in my vocab.  i can’t even really say it today without feeling ill… like i’m wishing bad karma on someone.

i’m going to take back “must be nice” to actually mean what the words are defined as, and be happy for folks in situations that must be nice.  like people heading out on vacations or eating grilled pimento cheese sandwiches or dogs that are on walks or kids who get to go to the pool in the sunshine today.  and it must be nice for me to get to enjoy positivity after a day like yesterday, when all i had were dark clouds.

i have an organic lemon lollipop.  must be nice.  :)

let’s just get through the crud first, before beach photos, shall we?  every so often, i get snagged up by these pangs of grief.  little tripwires of missing my dad, never talking to andy again, mourning, sobbing in savasana… i’m bounding through life, completely unaware, when BAM – i’m on the ground, tangled up in a memory that just has me floored. 

it’s okay, of course.  i know how to get untangled  and today i know how to take care of myself.  i don’t have that necessity to make it so much worse before it can get better.  i also don’t deny it anymore.  no glamour, no lies – it’s there, plain and simple, and the quicker i look at it and go over it, the better off i am.   my grief is just like anything else – keep it a secret, it keeps me sick.  i miss my dad and andy, i miss my mama, i wish that i could’ve done something different last year to somehow stave off this heartbreak, i miss catherine and being able to go to her every day… i have so much longing, but you know what?  catherine’s the one who said to me “emily, andy is dead but you aren’t.  you’re alive.  so live!” 

i have to remember that, lest i forget and keep myself in some sick, sad vortex.  thank god for sponsees, because at least 3 days a week i am committed to someone other than myself.  i have meetings and runs and yoga and friends.  i have a pitbull named haze, sunshine, swimming pools, beach trips, two library books, movies and music and ben jones.  my life is full.  a less formal version of a gratitude list, more of a reminder than anything… still beautiful.

pictures?  yes.

let’s see how this is, i’ve never used the gallery function before.  anyway, ben, amy, amy’s BFF reneé and i all went to isle of palms to stay in ben’s mom’s amazing condo and eat cherries and swim in the ocean and get suntans.  it was really fun, and i learned a lot about myself and when i turn into a brat and how to not do that.  i learned about acceptance and how lame it is to front seat drive.  i saw hangover which wasn’t that funny but had the song “13″ in it!  i went running and kept up for three miles, until amy turned into superwoman and did sprints while i just tried not to have my lungs explode (i’ll have to write an entry about the toxic black mold situation we’ve got at the house).   it was a lot of fun, and a lot of picking on each other and silliness, with some AA and an impromptu visit to a beach dog park, which haze would LOVE.  rawr! 

one day, i really am going to share in strictly grateful dead lyrics… keep on truckin!

kyle told me that social distortion used to play 7 and 8 dollar shows in san diego when he lived there.  he’s seen them 20+ times.  i’ve never seen them play, except for when i watched Another State of Mind which is a social distortion/youth brigade movie with a little minor threat thrown in toward the end when the tour ends up near d.c.  anyway.

i took mona and haze on a walk yesterday, after i went running.  i figured i was already sweaty and nasty, might as well take ‘em out for some fresh air.  we were walking down roland st., which is the street em dub lives off of, and these two girls start walking toward us.  well, the dogs start to get excited and just as i’m saying “don’t worry, they’re friendly”, this little dog who was off a leash raced out of nowhere and started yapping and sprinting in circles around mona and haze and i.  oh.  my.  god.  haze is only ever aggressive when she’s on a leash, and she went BALLISTIC.  mona too, i swear… man.  so, my dogs are going absolutely crazy, these two girls (both were about eleven) are screaming at this little dog and trying to catch it, and the little dog is racing around and around us, barking and snapping.  haze had run through my legs and gave me a nice leash burn on the inside of my right thigh… that felt good.  it’s enough to make me never walk them again, even though all three of us know i’m going to walk them after my run today. 

ben and i are going to an engagement party tomorrow for people i’ve never  met.  i hope i find a cute little sundress tonight, something to wear there.   i’m debating about whether to go to target or forever 21.  ben is the best, btw.  for reals.  i’m also going to a treatment facilities committee meeting and getting j.r. to look at my car.  if it stays sunny, i’m going to try to lay out and get some sun.  lazy lazy day for miss emily.

that about covers yesterday and tomorrow.  present moment… i’m about to eat an orange and i’m thinking about my dad.  i really want to talk to him about catherine and ben jones and all these things.  about living with sarah and kyle, about staying sober for three years, about college and becoming a teacher, about car mechanics, about doggie doctors and obama being the president and iran’s election and all kinds of things.  i think he would’ve liked that i got into ACC basketball last year.  he would’ve been thrilled about the giants’ winning the superbowl in 08.  i’ve just been missing him so much right now.  myabe it’s a timing thing, since it was around this time last year that andy died.  well anyway.  here’s my dad, on his 67th birthday.

he never looked as old as he was until after he got sick.  anyway.

here’s a picture of me and andy -

i don’t know if andy and i would even be friends if he were still alive… i don’t know what he’d be like.  i don’t know if he’d have gotten sober again or if he’d be a strung out junkie or contracted hepatitus or AIDS or become a dealer or what.  i don’t know if we ever would’ve spoken again, or if we’d have become really close again… i like to think that he’d be really happy that dave is tattooing me.  i think he’d like the koi on my shoulder, and he’d be super stoked about the 13 on my neck.  no matter what, i know that at one point, we were best friends on this earth, and i feel like this picture really shows that.  i miss him, but it’s an odd kind of missing.  i don’t miss his illness or the pain he caused, i don’t miss being with him… but i miss knowing that he’s on this earth, because he got me through my dad’s death and i’d like to talk to him sometimes. 

well anyway, enough living in the past.  today is today for a reason, and whatever that is i might as well make the most of it.  i really hope that target has something cute and relatively cheap because i don’t wanna spend more the 40 bucks on clothes today.  i am a cheapskate.  sarah says so too.  :)

because life IS a highway, and i’m GONNA ride it, and i should really be riding it on a bicycle such as this.  this is a creation of republic bikes, which manufactures track bikes and you can customize your own based on the colors they have in stock.  and it’s AWESOME.  and i want one really really really really really really bad.  my bike (also awesome) is back in colorado, because i am a genius and brought my snowboard with me out here, but failed to bring my bicycle.  obviously, a snowboard will get much more use than a bicycle when you’re in charlotte.  obviously. 

thinking about that, that’s one of those moments where i’m not sure i’d be friends with me if i wasn’t stuck being me.  y’know?  like if i met me on the street, i’d be like “whoa bato, no dice.”  except i wouldn’t say bato because i wouldn’t know what it meant.  or maybe i would, who knows who i would be if i wasn’t stuck being me.  is that a dr. seuss book?  it should be.  whee!

okay, back to business.  fundraising to buy emily a bicycle has met resistence so far (jen said “yeah, okay” while laughing, so i don’t think she was really serious about lending me the 400 dollars i need to buy this bike), but i’m going to persevere and see if i can get enough of my friends and family to give me money until i can buy this bike.  or i could just save my own money, but who are we kiddin here?  this goes back to the last paragraph, and i really don’t want to get into the whole one fish two fish red fish blue fish speak again.  no time for that.

on a completely separate note, haze has an appointment on monday at the doggie doctor, and i’m excited because it means that my poor ole mangy dog will finally be 100% healthy again.  not that she’s in poor health (unless you want to send money, but be warned it will go toward bike funds, not haze funds), but she’s acting all ear-infectiony again and i know her paws are jacked up because she’s licking them compulsively again.  and she might have fleas.  jesus.  i really am glad i only have a dog though, because i don’t think i could handle having anything you can’t feed on the floor.  let me see if i can find a picture of haze dog.

well, i am a bad mom.  i only have two pictures of my dog on my computer, and they’re both incredibly small.  haze looks kinda like a hippo, but with pointed ears.  she is grey, but has a kinda copper tint in the sunlight.  all four of her paws are white, like socks, and her chest has a white spot too.  she has a little pink heart on her nose which i just adore.  when she pants, she smiles.  she is the very best dog in the entire world for me.  i absolutely must put a picture of her on here and then the world will understand.

another completely separate note, i’m going to see ben jones tonight and i’m excited cause i haven’t seen him since sunday and on sunday little kids were busy chicken wrestling on our shoulders, so yeah.  he got his hair cut, and i plan to comment on it within fifteen seconds of laying eyes on him.  i think he might’ve bought me frozen waffles, which makes me happier than it probably should.  yes.  :) :)