arrr… part pirate, part hopelessly stuck in self sometimes.  tha seas be harsh in emily’s wharf, yarrr…

no really, it’s like when am i gonna learn that we are not interchangeable parts?  i’m the agony aunt for my friends, but i can’t ever listen to myself or take the advice of women (and some men) that i love and trust!  wtf?  really?  seems quite unnecessary.  i know it’s all on a learning curve, but i would love to just shut down my brain and reboot sometimes. 

on a completely different, and wayyyy more interesting note, this is blackbeard -

blackbeard, or edward thatch as he was named by his mama, was a pirate of the caribbean.  he also sailed up the atlantic side of the continental u.s.a.  he blockaded charleston, s.c. and ran two of his ships ashore  in what is now known as the beaufort inlet.  used to be the topsail inlet, but these things happen. according to legend, blackbeard was a pretty raging badass, however it appears that he never actually killed anyone… he didn’t have to, he just showed up and people were terrified.  he was pretty sketchy looking, so i can see that as making sense.  anyway, blackbeard was a pirate in the 18th century and there’s a whole lot of infor about him and he was pretty punk rock, what with the whole scaring other ships out of their liquor and resources instead of actually chopping their heads off.

now then, this is a blackbird -

blackbirds are a member of the thrush family.  they apparently don’t like slug repellents, because on the english country garden website it said they stopped using slug repellent and the blackbird population thrived.  or maybe they eat slugs?  anyway, the whole point is that these two words sound quite alike but are so entirely different it’s not even funny.  you know what else isn’t really that funny?  i’m more freaked out at the idea of blackbirds than i am by blackbeard.  blackbirds have the Z factor of flight, at least i know blackbeard would be stuck on terra firma with me.  yarrrr!

i suppose i should be practicing faith now more than ever, since i’ve got all these stupid letting go “issues”… ÜBER LAME.  but i guess i need to just love myself, as dysfunctional and adorable as i am.  :)

SO.

This weekend, I went to an area assembly in Raleigh.  Justine and I went, and Rob M. was there, and Chuck W., and Kevin, Margaret, John, Greg, and lots of other folks that I just adore.  It was really amazing and awe-inspiring to see how AA as a whole works… the infrastructure, the fact that we are totally democratic in our decision making, how money is spent and saved, who our delegate is (she is this super incredible lady named deborah, sober since she was 15, 5 kids… absolutely rawsome), etc. etc.  I got to go to a bunch of different workshops – one on treatment facilities, one on the role of the G.S.R., one on service through sponsorship, one on the 12 concepts… it was really cool.  Stewart and Michael were in that one with me, and I just love them so much.  Stewart cuts my hair, and he is so fantastic.   I also saw Tate’s sponsor there, and thought about going to say hi, but why would I?  Tate’s not part of my life anymore, and it seemed really intrusive and awkward to intro myself to a man I, more than likely, will not ever have a relationship with.  Good call, I think.

Softball tourney started yesterday, it’s on a to be continued until May 31st.  We got rained out.  I rode with Justine from Raleigh to the game, we made a quick (and unplanned) trip to South Cack.  Neither of us noticed that we missed the ENTIRE CITY of Charlotte… until I saw the South Carolina Welcome Center, and the York sign, and then it was glaringly obvious that we were a bit too far down the road.  We were listenin to “Nothin but a G Thang” and that is quite a distracting song.  So, we made it back to the field, then Ben Jones drove me home because Justine left before our second game rainout, and he was sweet to do that because it was quite out of his way. 

I had yesterday off work, so I exercised and went to visit Jimmy’s coffee shop which juuuuuust opened (I’m so excited and proud of him!) and showered, then Erin and I made iron on wifebeaters.  Hers says “Jersey’s where America’s at!” (like my t-shirt!) and mine says “Straight Pepper Diet”, which is funny if you’ve read the big book.  I went to CTB last night, then to the 10 because Rob M. spoke, and then home to crash in the bed with Haze. 

The reason why this is all typed out is because I can’t believe I have so much love and light and smart ass funny kids in my life.  We were the smarmiest bunch of yahoos ever at the assembly, then at softball, then Erin and I at Target and Michael’s… everywhere we go, the smarmy army appears, and I do believe I am quite often at the helm.  Or close, anyway.  :)

That’s a grouper.  I posted this because I could really go for a grouper sammich.  That’s right, buddy, I’ll eat ya in a heartbeat.  I’ll go PacMan on you, amamamamamaa… but I also posted this because I think groupers are so ugly they’re cute.  Like bats and some little kids.  And me, some days.  :)

“Your Catfish Friend”

If I were to live my life in catfish forms

In scaffolds of skin and whiskers at the bottom of a pond

And you were to come by one evening

When the moon was shining down into my dark home

And stand there at the edge of my affection

And think, “It’s beautiful here by this pond.  I wish somebody loved me.”

I’d love you and be your catfish friend and drive such lonely thoughts from your mind,

And suddenly you would be be at peace, and ask yourself:

“I wonder is there are any catfish in this pond?  It seems like a perfect place for them.”

-R. Brautigan

My mama sent me this poem in a card, along with nicotine patches and a whole bunch of New Yorkers.  My mama is the very best mama for me in the entire world.