It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time…

practice, practice, practice!  haha, ohh… mom jokes.  :) 

okay, so in a week from yesterday (or 6 days, or 144 hours, or 8,640 minutes, or 518,400 seconds, or…) i am going to say a few words about my dad at this dedication ceremony at first step at cmc-union.  i don’t know what to say.  i feel like saying something about his recovery helping him understand folks who suffer with addiction on a more compassionate level, about his work ethic and having a sense of real purpose, about his drive and honor, about how he always loved us so very much all the time, about his character and how first step helped him just as much as he helped it.   i just don’t know how to get that into a concise, articulate flow.  practice.

my dad was larger than life.  i remember knowing that from an early age.  he had the uncanny ability to talk to, and befriend, just about everyone he met.  his bank tellers knew him, his waitresses knew him, he showed pictures of his grandkids to anyone willing to stop for a minute and look… that might seem kind of typical, but my dad did that with such sincerity that it was almost impossible to just walk away from him.  i learned that from him, that everyone should be granted the same treatment i’d like to receive.  he was an incredible man, a real force in this life, something that was felt the minute he shook your hand or hugged you – the energy was immediate.

my dad was also an alcoholic.  he struggled with addictions, he struggled with loss and pain and escapism.  he found recovery, by the grace of God, and he never failed to credit that faith… he kept that faith throughout his recovery, so fierce and true that it inspired others, including myself.  i am an alcoholic, my dad helped inspire my recovery.   there was no better fit for him than first step.  he put his heart and soul into his work, and it showed.  he absolutely believed that recovery should be accessible to anyone who was willing to go after it, and that spirit took hold in many.  for as much as he gave of himself to this place, he received as much, if not more.  he thrived on the strength of being of service.  he knew that recovery really took hold with selflessness, and with that mindset he tried his hardest to give back as much as possible.

i missed out on a lot of my dad’s life.  i missed a lot of his triumphs, his trials, his suffering.  we missed out on each other, really, but i believe with all my heart he knew i always loved him absolutely, just as i knew he loved me.  getting to share the last year of his life with him is something that i will cherish forever.  i have stories i can tell my nieces and nephews, that i can tell my friends in recovery, that someday i can tell my kids, about my father and the kind of man he was.  his work ethic and tenacity are things i strive toward… sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but i will get there if i work for them.  his pull toward those sick and suffering has become a part of who i am.  his love for his wife, his family, his friends was immense, all encompassing, and i feel so blessed to have known such unconditional acceptance.  he treasured us, this place, those that needed him, in part because he knew he needed us too. 

i can’t express my gratitude for him, or the effort put forth on his behalf, fully because there aren’t words that have been invented that would even come close… but i so appreciate all the love and support felt in his passing.  if you knew my dad, or even if you just met him, you understand that he lived and breathed recovery, faith, spirituality, and love, in spite of his imperfections.  if he could’ve been here, his smile would’ve split in half and he’d have been giving out bear hugs already.  i hope to carry his passion for life through the rest of mine.  thank you.

so i don’t know.  maybe i should start with a story?  i don’t know i don’t know.  we’ll see.  my nicotine patch is making me nervous, i’m going to take it off now.  yikes.

ohhh it’s tuesday.  tuesdays are nothing days in my brain.  it’s not monday, when you’re all fresh from the weekend… it’s not wednesday, which is hump day (hahaha i’m still a 6th grader!), it’s not thursday which is almost-friday, and it’s nowhere close to friday level excitement.  tuesdays are kinda blah.  they’re what you make em, i guess.  in foco, there was a restaurant that i would go to on tuesdays cause they had two-for-one tempeh burgers that were really really good, and you could eat dinner out with a friend for like, 3 bucks or something.  it was awesome.  the CLT is missing that, a lil bit.  no tuesday excitement that i have found, thus far… except for the UFO people that don’t tip up at the coffee shop.  they’re pretty much it for me on tuesdays.  plus, i don’t watch t.v. so i don’t know if there are any programs on that i’d enjoy.  but i wouldn’t be home anyway, cause i have to work at the coffee shop with the ufo people!  catch-22, no kidn.  so… tuesday.  blah blah blah.

i’ve been thinking about my tribe quite a lot lately, my little troop of friends that have become my family… i love them, muchly, and i don’t know what i’d do without them.  sarah the roomie, fully 80/30 in most respects.  catadat, one of the inner sanctum BFFs.  erin, my mooresville co-adventurer.  toddeous maximus, makin me be responsible.  grampa, the oldest young person i know.  nikki, wes, kathy, katelynn, hannah, nicole, sharon, ken, ted, phillip, kenny, jasons (m., h., k., s.), matts (p., w., c.), paul, patrick, pat, elise, beth, jordann, justine, etc. etc.  i am just so retardedly blessed, that when i get bummed out cause it’s a tuesday and i feel fat from eating grilled cheese n tomatos (mm, common market!) and lots n lotsa trail mix, thinking about the cha-lotalotte family makes me smile.  that’s not even counting my bio fam, or my colorado tribe.    or animals, or spirituality, or anything else that makes me whole.  i am quite grateful for my barnful of assorted buddies and family and it makes tuesdays a bit brighter to remember such sundries.

so.  next time a tuesday sneak attacks, i i’m gonna throw down against said blahness with a heap of gratitude.  not even the gnarliest tuesday can hang against that, on the real tip.  yes!  OH!  WAIT!  NEWS!

DINOSAUR JR. IS TOMORROW NIGHT!!!  hollahollahollahollahollahollaHOLLA!!!  yes yes, thrice yes, danceyness and good times and MIKE WATT and soooo so fun!  maybe even autographs and a t-shirt!  oh snap! 

you know what has two thumbs and doesn’t give a fuck?

oh yes.  that guy! 

(al swearengen is my heeeeerooooo… )

oh wow, i wasn’t ready for quite how precious baby bunnies would be… cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!  but, as cute as he (she?  i vote he) is, he’s probably not that quick yet, which makes him ample prey for hawks and various raptors.  note that i said various raptors not velociraptors.  while i think velociraptors are rawsome and my favorite dinosaur (today), i am grateful they no longer exist cause i wouldn’t stand a chance against one of those mother truckers.  none of us would.  we would be easy prey, despite our weaponry and technology… a bunch of velociraptors vs. a bunch of armymen with guns n such, i still vote the raptors would do some damage.  at least a few armymen casualities.  but anyway, this isn’t the point at all! 

the point was for a quick blog entry to keep my head on straight, a typed out minute or two of prayer to keep me patient and getting better.  so.

The Prayer of Saint Francis

Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace,

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

ahhh, i do so love that prayer.  makes me feel saner, especially the part about understanding rather than being understood.  i think 90% of my problems come from me feeling misunderstood, and if i could just get a little quicker on stepping back and trying to see where someone ELSE is coming from first, i think my life would get simpler.   i guess through trial and error we’re fixin to find out.  :)

i need to add a half mile to my run today.  wish me luck!  rawr rawrrrrrawwwrrrr!

the past 48 hours i have been an absolute wretch to be around.  those of you who dealt with me, absolutely huge kudos to you, darlings.  those of you who avoided me like the plague – smart.  BUT!  i snapped out of it last night with the help of cat cookies for people (from trader joe’s, oh man – they are serious delish, and not too many calories or sugar… success!), tie dye with the roomie and the roomie’s beau (who should’ve taken out the trash, since he is a man.  c’mon now.), and a little personal growth.

i have to explain something.  i have a sweet tooth that rivals anyone, including you or anyone you know, or anyone THEY know, etc. etc. down the line.  i am a sugar junkie.  cookies make me happier than they probably should, to be real with you.  i’ll crack jokes at meetings, and say i only come for the cookies… sometimes i’m dead serious.  i rival the cookie monster, in some respects, although i am trying to learn moderation and also make smarter cookie choices, i.e. cat cookies for people.  this is me -

i monitor my cookie consumption in part because i don’t want to get diabetes, but mostly so i don’t get fat.  btw, why is cookie monster gray in this picture?  hmm…

so cookies are delish, and tie dying is silly fun, especially when you add an acoustic guitar, two dogs, a half asian, a redhead, and the living legends’ album “creative differences”.  that’s what the activity at the morningside crib was last night, and my t-shirt looks pretty bomb.  the orange and white dog is now a totally hippie, as she has tie dye on her paws and a little on her nose.  gray hippo dog sort of avoided the whole scene, as it was kind of noisy and messy and she didn’t really know what to do with it.  she ate part of a rawhide and hung out on the couch, which makes sense – couch is her scene.

i slept like a madman yesterday, and i think that helped me start to see my overreactions and overemotionality (is that a word?  it is now!).  i talked to my spons last night, and she basically broke it down for me – i’m human, i’m prone to being super emotional, i need to pray and meditate in order to handle said outbursts of emotions and not flip out the way i do.  i need to sleep and eat and exercise enough that i begin to achieve balance, and not go b-a-n-a-n-a-s!  i wish that patience and relaxing was easier for me, but as they are not i need to practice them even more.  i had a really good prayer last night and this morning, and i slept enough that i feel sane.  getting better, just not all better yet.  :)

so the long and short of it is… 48 hrs. of severe grouchypantsness has finally passed.  my fingers are all stained with tie dye.  i am kinda hungry.  i think it might be time for leftover spaghetti.

god, i am so grouchy.

breathe.

i think tonight i’m going to bake cupcakes.  after i go running, that is. 

i am too fucking sensitive.  and i want to cry.

I am trying to quit smoking, and it sucks.  Currently I have a 21 mg nicotine patch stuck to my arm with four band aids to make sure that mother trucker doesn’t come off.  I am kinda mean right now.  Let me tell you about the adventures as of late -

MOVE!  Is done.  Well, mostly.  Still waiting on some furniture, our trampoline, our washer/dryer, and some other nonsense.  We’re going to have a big housewarming party, basically a “bring us stuff” party.  It’s gonna be rawsome.  I hope our turnout is good, and I hope people follow directions and actually bring us stuff, otherwise I’ll be super mad.  Rrrr… but, I might be super mad anyway what with the whole not smoking thing happening.  Rawr!

CAMPING! Was amazing.  Super long drives, many hours logged with Gpa in the car and lots of complications that were unexpected but added to the adventure.  For example, the first night we were supposed to camp at Huntington State park – wait, let’s back up.  Before we let Charlotte, we had a few delays that left Gpa kinda grouchy, but then we got on the road and drove n drove and I looked adorable and we stopped to smoke (ohh, I miss smoking!) and other nonsensities.   We get to the park, and the mean mean gatekeeper man wouldn’t let us camp cause they were full.  LAME.  We had a tent!  C’mon!  But whatevs, so we drove up to Myrtle Beach state park and made camp there finally, at maybe 9:30?  Then it was dark and cold and the wood was damp and boo.  BUT, we made the best of it because we are pillars of society and Haze seemed like she had fun and we slept in a tent and it was okay.  I sliced my pinkie finger on a can of turkey chili and schooled Gpa at cards.  Last count, I was up 8 to 5.  I think.  Maybe 8 – 6.  In the morning, we packed up and drove up to Harker’s Island, NC to go camp at Cape Lookout state park.  It was crazy windy, but the wind died down when we got to the island we were camping on… we hiked through a marsh (which Gpa said we probably shouldn’t have done but whatever) and got to this totally deserted beach which was AMAZING.  Seriously beautiful.  Haze ran around like a lunatic, we gathered wood and had lots of smiles, then we made mac n cheese and smores and played more cards and looked at the stars and went to sleep.  It was kinda rough because my sleeping bag’s zipper was busted, and Haze kept snuggling closer and closer, but we managed.  I slept in my (Sarah’s!) snowboard jacket and we made it work.  We did sun salutations facing the Atlantic the next morning, then packed up and walked to the southernmost point of Cape Lookout, which I re-named Cape Applefield after Gpa.  He deserves a landmark, as he is my BFF and also a cartographer.   We had left our bags halfway between the end of the island and where the ferry was coming to pick us up, so we had to lug our junk back up to the lighthouse, and that was arduous.  We got sunburnt necks in the process and I have some sore spots where the bag kept digging into my shoulders and where the pot we cooked in hit my lower back.  I also managed to lead us into a small stream off the beach because I am not a cartographer… Gpa and I were not fans of this stream, but Haze jumped in it and swam for a minute, so at least one of us enjoyed it.  We made it to the lighthouse and I felt quite victorious, much how I imagine Lewis and Clark felt except less dramatic because we knew where we were headin the whole time.  And we didn’t have Sacajawea.  But whatevs.  We got back to Harker’s, drove to Wilmington where Gpa forgot which hotel he booked (it ended up being the HoJo, and don’t judge him – he’s old, senility is a bitch sometimes), but he is smart and called his credit card company, then travelocity and figured it out.  Rawsome!   We ate pizza and took showers (yes!!) and I gave Haze a bath which she didn’t like but we did.  :)  The next morning, we drove to Anson County (Wadesboro to be specific) to go pay my stupid stupid speeding ticket.   Wadesboro sucks.  It is the worst town ever.  We got stuck there an additional TWO HOURS, which Gpa handled better than me (he is better than me at lots of stuff), then we had to drive to THREE different banks because stupid stupid Wadesboro court doesn’t take debit, credit, or checks.  I had to go get cash, then pay, then we drove in near silence back to Charlotte.  Quite the adventure, full of mishaps and mayhem and silliness and good times.   All in all, I had a really good time and I hope Gpa did too.  No surfing, but it was kinda cold to surf.  That’s next up, on the adventure list.

WORK!  Is the same.  My co workers at the BHC are awesome, as usual.  DCH is still standing.  I ended up not working at the coffee shop yesterday, but it’s all good.  I cleaned up the house a bit and that’s good.  I work Easter morning, which I’m good with since I’m not a true believer on the salvation tip.

FRIENDS!  Are lovely.   Sarah and I are gonna try to hang out after she’s off tonight, Cat got a new job and I need to see her cause I miss her a lot.  Jason won a tree climbing competition which is great, Todd and I had lunch the other day which was lovely, JK’s busy with catering stuff… yes.  Busy busy busy, but so wonderful.  I love my tribe.  :)

SOBRIETY!  Is rockin n rollin, as usual.  The sponsees are good, Nic’s meeting me after work to go running and talk about her upcoming travels… Hannah’s meeting me on Thursday to do her 12th step and hit up Primary Purpose… Katelynn’s calling me after work to talk about “big things” that are happening in her world.  We’ve got spons family brunch this Saturday, and I’ve got H & I this Saturday as well.  My March service committment is over, yay!  I think I have a Saturday night committment at South Park, need to check on that.   Hmm…

FAMILY!  Is good… everyone’s being sweet.  It was Josh’s birthday two weeks ago, and I went down to see them and they were all lovely and full of smiles.  Since I watched ACC basketball this year I actually had something to talk to my brother about and my stepmom was really nice and the food was great.  Good times.  Mama’s doing well, she’s meeting with some guy to help sort finances and that’s awesome.  She sounded really good when I talked to her yesterday, which makes me happy.  My sister Dondi sent me a hundred dollar check out of the blue!  She has no idea how much that helped, or what that meant to me.  I need to call her.  She’s been at the top of my gratitude list, when I make them.  I love her to death… difficult relationship at times, but it gets better and better as time goes on, which I am SO grateful for.  She’s probably the person who is most in my corner all the time, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully express how much I love her for that… hopefully someday I’ll be able to repay that, but for now I try my best to pay that forward.  I’m really learning a lot from her.  Pretty incredible stuff.

There’s also a lost of miscellany, like softball and bills and getting stuff done (TCB – takin care of business!), but that nonsense doesn’t need explanation.  That’s just the day to day silliness, fo realz! 

In closing, I leave you with this -