It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time…

This is my mom.  And me, but me back in the day like… 5 years ago.  My mom looks the same.  So do I, except that I don’t have a silly metal barbell in my face anymore.  ANYWAY, Grampa and I trade insults quite frequently and what it eventually comes down to is “Your mom’s FACE [insert activity here]!”  We might need to grow up.  Or just start being more creative with our insults.  Or just stop insulting each other… haha, yeah, like that’s a viable option.

Just a thought - if someone were to play bird/monkey with me and my mom, we’d both be monkeys for sure.  I think we look like monkeys in this photo.  Don’t tell my mom.  Actually,  my mom might not mind 100%, she’s got a good sense of humor and she was actually the one that pointed out how long our arms are, which makes us even more monkey-like.  Simian.  That’s the word I was lookin for. 

**Sidenote** If you don’t know what bird/monkey is, it’s a game where you look around and determine whether people look more like a bird or a monkey.  Everyone you know looks a little like a bird, or a monkey.  Sometimes you might be tempted to say “oh, so-and-so actually looks more like a horse or dolphin” – this is ridiculous.  Even if they DO look like a horse or a dolphin (which would be unfortunate), people look more like birds or monkeys.  That’s the game.  Rigid, maybe.  Fun, absolutely.  It’s my favorite way  to get through boring meetings.  Bird/monkey.  Check it.

Back to your mom’s face – most of the “your mom’s face!”  insults are fairly impossible, because it’s like “your mom’s face buys cereal!”  And really, my mom DOES buy cereal but her face is part of a greater entity so it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  It’s still fun, though.  I figure burnout on your mom’s face jokes is about three weeks away. I have to go to the bank… maybe I’ll see your mom’s FACE there!

I play slowpitch sober softball on a league called the Serenity League.  Every Sunday, for 6 or 7 weeks, I get up with several of my closest friends to go play in the sunshine and enjoy life… and TOTALLY ANNIHILATE, because we ARE team TOTAL ANNIHILATION.  It’s serious, people.  Y’all saw the pictures from last season, well this season is even more badass, if possible.  We have blue shirts now, so instead of being bloods we’re crips.  Pretty awesome.  We also added a few new sluggers to our line-up, so that helps.  And O.G. Emily, which just makes me happy.

In the spirit of softball, I decided to wikipedia our fine sport and I found out several interesting facts.

• Softball is the most popular participant sport in the United States and it’s estimated that 40 million Americans will play at least one game this year.
• Softball is played in over 100 countries globally.
• The first softball equipment was a rolled up boxing glove and a broomstick.
• The ASA (which is who we play under) has over 240,000 teams.  Damn!
• Umps are often called “blue” because of their uniform.  I call our ump Danny, because that’s his name. 
• Softball wasn’t introduced into the UK until 1972.  Effin Brits, behind the times…
• The term “softball” wasn’t coined until 1926… it was also called cabbage ball, mush ball, pumpkin ball, diamond ball, and kitten ball.  Kitten ball?  Poor little kittens…

 WATCH OUT, BUDDY!  They’re waiting for you with a bat!  I thought violence against kittens meant you were going to be a serial killer when you grew up, or something like that.  Maybe it just means you really like softball.  Something to think about, for reals.

In other news, I haven’t packed anything and I am so totally not ready to move, but I am EXCITED to move!  I just ate a banana, and when I burp it tastes like nanners… there are worse things to taste, that’s for sure.  Buying bottled water is for suckers when you can go to a Starbucks and get a cup for free, then just refill it with water at work.  I threw a temper tantrum last night and give mad kudos to Sarah, Johnny, Em Dub, and Grampa for calming me and listening to my madness.  Koalas are adorable.

Oh, and team Total Annihilation WON both games last Sunday.  We will continue to thrash until the championship of the Serenity League rests with US!  Rawwwwrrrr!!!

So I’m super busy these days because of softball and moving and two jobs and concerts and birthday shenanigans and yoga and running with Cat and Grampa and etc.  In order to put order (huh?) in my chaos-filled existence, I have to CALM DOWN.  To do this, I make lists.  Today’s list features every band or individual artist that has at least two songs I enjoy in a lovely stream of consciousness.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy the madness… and be grateful you don’t live inside my skull.

1. The Who
2. The Beatles
3. The Clash
4. The Ramones
5. The Dead Boys
6. The Dead Milkmen
7. The Go Gos
8. The B-52s
9. The Bangles
10. The Queers
11. The Cramps
12. The Drifters
13. The Allman Brothers Band
14. The Grateful Dead
15. The Kinks
16. Agnostic Front
17. Bad Brains
18. Bad Religion
19. Black Flag
20. Agent Orange
21. Negative Approach
22. Social Unrest
23. Propaghandi
24. Portishead
25. The Minutemen
26. Dinosaur Jr.
27. Kill Your Idols
28. Channel 3
29. Fugazi
30. Minor Threat
31. Television (Richard Hell)
32. The Velvet Underground
33. The Beach Boys
34. Meatloaf
35. Otis Redding
36. Ben E. King
37. Al Green
38. Marty Robbins
39. Hank Williams
40. Billie Holliday
41. Louis Prima
42. The Temptations
43. Sublime
44. Akron/Family
45. Radiohead
46. Bob Marley and the Wailers
47. Eek A Mouse
48. Hank III
49. Johnny Cash
50. Merle Haggard
51. June Carter Cash – Carter Family
52. James Taylor
53. Joni Mitchell
54. Regina Spektor
55. Feist
56. Blackalicious
57. Blackstar
58. Jurassic 5
59. Mos Def
60. Talib Kweli
61. Pharoahe Monch
62. Wu Tang Clan
63. Tupac Shakur
64. Notorious B.I.G.
65. The Fugees – Lauryn Hill
66. MF Doom
67. Murs
68. J Dilla
69. OutKast
70. John Legend
71. A Tribe Called Quest
72. Latyrx
73. Lyrics Born
74. The Oddjobs
75. Savage
76. T.I.
77. M.I.A.
78. Maps of Norway
79. Bonnie Prince Billy
80. Iron and Wine
81. DeVotchka
82. Calexico
83. Jets to Brazil
84. Crooked Fingers
85. Band of Horses
86. The Decemberists
87. The Strokes
88. Led Zeppelin
89. The Cure
90. The Smiths
91. Really Red
92. Reagan Youth
93. Operation Ivy
94. Suicidal Tendencies
95. Sick of it All
96. Red Hot Chili Peppers
97. Bruce Springsteen
98. Bon Jovi
99. The Pixies
100. The Animals
101. Death Cab for Cutie
102. Modest Mouse
103. Motorhead
104. The Reeltime Travelers
105. The Doors
106. The Misfits
107. The Hymns (thanks Johnny!)
108. Lou Reed
109. Paul Simon
110. Cat Stevens
111. Blondie – Debbie Harry
112. KRS-One
113. Brother Ali
114. People Under the Stairs
115. Lupe Fiasco
116. The Supremes
117. Marvin Gaye
118. Social Distortion – Mike Ness
119. Weezer
120. Wilco
121. Uncle Tupleo
122. Son Volt
123. The Avett Brothers
124. Sonic Youth
125. Keller Williams
126. Pharcyde
127. J.J. Cale
128. Robbie Robinson
129. Tom Waits
130. Miles Davis
131. John Coltrane
132. Dave Brubeck
133. Cannonball Adderly
134. Herbie Hancock
135. Cat Power
136. Neil Young
137. De La Soul
138. Common
139. Kanye West (old Kanye)
140. Elvis Presley
141. Charlie Parker
142. Ella Fitzgerald
143. Neko Case
144. Nico
145. Michael Jackson – Jackson 5
146. Nas
147. Damien Marley
148. Rage Against the Machine
149. The Cars
150. They Might Be Giants
151. Dead Kennedys
152. Yonder Mountain String Band
153. Mark Knopfler – Dire Straits
154. The Gourds
155. Dangerdoom

Okay.  155 is good for now, and that’s mostly the mainstream picks.  The stuff that I’d have to delve for is still in there, but my brain is tired.  It worked, though, I am much calmer now than I was when I started.  However, I forgot the Wipers, Husker Du, and others.  Oh well.  So it goes.  :)

so.  here are my to do lists for the next few weeks -

-get softball up and running.  this means collect fees, send the check in, and show up to play lookin FIERCE!

-sign the lease for the jam house with miss ramsey (if you’re nasty)… this is march 23rd.

-PACK.

-MOVE.  this is the boo-osity of my world.  yuck.  plus, i don’t have a boyfriend who i can force to help me.  i have to rely on my slightly-to-severely unreliable dude friends to suit up and show up and use their manly muscle to help us.  hope to God they decide not to all be douchey the same weekend… jebus.

-yoga!  4-5 times a week.

-quit eating so much goddamn sugar

-beach camping with grampa.  this one i’m really looking forward to… one of the beaches we’re going to has no lights whatsoever surrounding it for miles.  the stars are gonna be so amazing!

-get mona spayed.  for serious.

-buy a new set of tires.  better start savin some bucks!

-find a new part time job so as not to have to steam anyone’s milk that CERTAINLY doesn’t need his milk steamed.

there are other things too, like grocery shopping and running with cat and learning to rock climb, but for now these will suffice.  i should probably also start some sort of drawing journal to show dave.  and i need to buy haze a new leash.  and pay dave the rest of march rent.  and practice my banjo and get a haircut and… *BREATHE*

I’M UNCOMFORTABLE.

i guess that means i’m growing? 

so… working out my feelings with my mom – if my mom dies, my mom dies.  this is inevitable.  i want her to get sober and live happy, joyous, and free.  i want her to be a grandma to my kids.  i want her to be healthy and i want her to find a job and feel good again.  i want her to ride her bicycle and smile more.  am i angry because she’s not doing what i want her to, or am i angry because i am scared of losing her or am i just angry because it’s a fucked up situation and it doesn’t make sense and i don’t like any part of it? 

i’m thinking the latter part, really.  i hate that there is absolutely nothing i can DO besides pray and breathe and exercise and blah blah fucking blah.  i hate that i am SO ANGRY.  i am tight and confined and itchy and just so stuck in this dark, hot, cramped space in my brain… and everyone around me feels it.  my co-workers are keeping a five foot diameter around me.  don’t get too close, you might catch whatever rage has infested me.  maybe it’s my brown sweater.  maybe it’s that my heart feels like it’s made of marble and steel and i can’t cry and i want to SO FUCKING BADLY.

but when i look at this from an outside angle, what it really comes down to is powerlessness, fear, lack of trust in the Big Guy, sadness, hurt, letting go of expectations, trudging, taking life one day at a time, and trying to feel compassion for someone i love so much who is so very sick. 

“so pass it up and pass it down

pay mind to what you’re carrying around

oh keep it close, hold it while you can

there’s a little bird of heaven right here in your hand.”

-reeltime travelers “little bird of heaven”

i was thrown a couple curveballs today.  the first one was in the form of the marketing director for the rehab my dad used to be the director of.  now, i don’t dislike HER per se, i don’t like her job.  i don’t like that substance abuse recovery is more important in terms of the almighty dollar then whether someone gets it or not… which has nothing to do with HER.  she’s just doing her job.  whatevs.

but the big curveball is how much it makes me miss my dad.  goodness me, it’s like getting the wind knocked out of my chest.  i miss him so ferociously, so incredibly much that it actually hurts, physically.  i didn’t think it would still hurt like that after this much time, but there it is.  a boulder on my chest.  i can’t cry.  i wish i could.  i guess i need to rent “beaches” or something, and try to let go and bawl until my heart just rips open and i can’t cry anymore. 

my mom is a mess.   she can’t quit drinking.  she called my sister tonight all hammered mckenzie, told her that she was fine, then called back and started the “fuck me, fuck you” nonsense.  i don’t know what to do.  i lost dad, now mom’s killing herself… i lost andy, i feel like i lost my family… the orphan feeling is so intense right now.  i know it’ll pass, i know that feelings are so fleeting and out of control that to put any real stock in them is just silly, but good goddamn. 

what’re you doin, god?  asleep at the wheel?  c’mon, after 2008, throw a fuckin bone down.  ugh.  you know what sucks the most?  when i feel this shitty, when i MISS my dad this much (his moustache, his big glasses all 80’s style that he never really got out of, his eagle necktie, the way he said “hiya bum!”, the “i love you, yes yes yes!”’s, the way he hugged, the aftershave he wore, how he ate oranges, how smart he was, doing crosswords with him, eating mint chocolate chip ice cream WAY too late, watching old movies, his slippers, his plaid pajama pants, the sneakers he used to get every year for father’s day, etc. etc.) and when i feel like dying because my mom (who i love more than just about anything or anyone on this earth and i would do anything for) is slowly drinking herself to death… when i feel this godawful wretched and hopeless, i know what i have to do and it’s the very last thing i want to.  i have to make a gratitude list.

so, i am grateful for haze. 

 for realizing that life is impermanence. 

for compassion.

for love and tolerance of others.

for acceptance.

for faith in something so much bigger than me.

for sobriety.

for sarah r. and all our pictures and fun times and gigglefests.

for dark chocolate.

for iron and wine, which might just help me cry.

for my new favorite toothpaste.

for clean laundry, even when it’s all over my floor.

for my roommate superdave.

for life, in all it’s imperfection.

for johnny s., who makes me smile at work.

for employment.

for my sister, who i would do anything for ever.

for release.

stick a fork in me, cause i am fuckin done.